5 Quirky Home Haunt Experiences: Part 2
February 4th, 2010 by John Wolfe
Just in case you missed my first Quirky Home Haunt Experiences entry, I’m reliving my somewhat strange, but funny encounters with trick-or-treaters and their parents. Last time, I wrote about “The Rock Thrower” and “The Grave Robber’s Opponent.” This time, it’s all about “Sucker Toucher,” “Mr. Partial” and “Pillowcase Boxer.”
3) Sucker Toucher: It was Halloween 1998, the third and final year for hosting our indoor haunted hallway. The hallway began in the driveway, wrapped around the outside of the garage and led up the walkway, where it connected to the covered porch and front door.
At certain intervals, throughout the haunted hall, there were “windows” (no glass) that peered into rooms; each room contained a scene. Inside the room, an actor (family member) would play out some sort of scenario as the trick-or-treaters walked by.
My particular room, the graveyard, was situated under the porch and was the last stop on the way to the precious candy. Inside the graveyard, there was an adult sized wooden box (minus a lid), sitting on the concrete. Around the box and throughout the room, I used lots of camouflage and burlap material to build up the “ground” so it met flush with the lip of the wooden box.
Next, the camouflage was covered in leaves. This disguised the box and gave the appearance it was an open grave plot. After filling the room with headstones, jack-o-lanterns, a strobe light and my fog machine, I was ready to rise from the ground as one of the haunt’s undead.
The final touch came in the form of building an extra-large viewing window (think 1990s big-screen television dimensions) for even the smallest of children to catch a glimpse of my zombie-like activities. The bottom of the window came only as high as my knees, giving the kids ample space to reach over and interact with me and vice versa.
After an hour or so of being exposed to the constant strobe light effect, my vision and equilibrium became pretty poor. In fact, my movements probably resembled a drunk more than they did a re-animated corpse. All I remember is seeing the shape of someone approaching the window. I darted rapidly — not gracefully — out of the box, from a lying position and onto my knees — only to feel something very wet stick to the palm of my right hand.
There I was, face to face with what was probably an eleven or twelve-year-old lollipop eating girl. Correction, she hadn’t actually been eating it; unfortunately for me, she had only been licking it.
“You touched my sucker, you nasty bastard,” she screamed into my ear!
And instantly, Sucker Toucher was born. Of course, I was actually the “sucker toucher,” but since she coined the phrase, that name will always firmly belong to her in my mind.
What is it with trick-or-treaters in my neighborhood busting out foul language at the drop of a hat?
4) Mr. Partial: In an all too familiar vein with Sucker Toucher, I bring you Mr. Partial. The same graveyard room; the same year, and the same messed up vision and equilibrium, only fast forward an additional two hours without having anything to eat all night.
For the previous 120 minutes, ever since Sucker Toucher accused my parents of not being legitimately married when I was fathered, I had been bombarded by candy. The kids were taking any opportunity to throw mini Milky Ways, 3 Musketeers, Oh Henrys, etc., at me.
Since my vision was already in bad shape, I couldn’t see them doing the deed – hell, I was staring into a rapidly blinking strobe light every time I rose from the grave. However, I could feel things hitting my face and assumed they were pieces of candy.
At one point, we had a lull in trick-or-treaters. So, I settled back down into my grave plot. Not knowing when the next batch would shuffle through the haunt, I didn’t want to leave my post. Lying there, with my stomach doing somersaults, I became aware of a lump under my back. Reaching behind me, I pulled out the familiar shape of a mini candy bar; it was some trick-or-treater’s spent ammo in a game of zombie target practice. 
Visually checking it was out of the question, but I did my best to make sure the packaging was still intact. I unwrapped the treat and popped it into my mouth. The familiar taste of Snickers barely had time to alert my taste buds before the chocolate and peanuts disappeared down my throat, or so I thought.
In the all confusion and chaos, not to mention having a ravenous appetite, I neglected to notice several strands from my “zombie wig” were also in my mouth. As the Snickers bar was swallowed, so were the long strands of hair, however, they were also still attached to the wig on my head – not a good thing!
Off in the distance, I could hear the next group of trick-or-treaters being scared by our ghosts and ghouls throughout other rooms of the haunt. In a matter of a few seconds, I knew I would receive my cue to rise up from the grave.
As I prepared myself for launch, I suddenly became aware that a portion of the Snickers bar was lodged in my throat! Swallowing harder to break it free didn’t help, but swallowing did alert me to the strands of wig hair that were in my mouth.
Scrambling to pull the hair free, I could also feel the candy bar coming up my throat. I had swallowed the whole neat little package — Snickers wrapped in hair… bleck! Suddenly, I received my cue! With freed lumps of Snickers bar swinging from my wig, I leapt from the grave; the back of my hand making contact with flesh and once again something wet, but this time not sticky.
“Ugggg, you knocked out my partial, you motherfudger (only he didn’t say fudger),” yelled a very irate sounding parent!
As the expletives continued to pour forth, I recognized the voice; it was my boss. I had been telling him about our haunt for the entire month of October. Right before leaving for my annual Halloween week vacation, I gave him the address and told him to bring his kids by – so, he did. Oh brother, did he bring them by; getting his dental partial smacked from his mouth in the process!
Thankfully, he was a good sport about the whole thing and he wound up catching the partial in his hand as it fell from his mouth… whew! If not, the partial would have been toast with all those kids traipsing through the haunt.
And that brings us to “Pillowcase Boxer.”
5) Pillowcase Boxer: When compared to the two previous encounters, this one is fairly uneventful, but definitely not innocuous. Pillowcase Boxer predates Sucker Toucher and Mr. Partial by two years.
Halloween 1996 featured a very early incarnation of the haunted hallway of ’98. With a straight shot to the porch, minus the driveway segment of the walk-through, and only one room to view; ’96 was a smaller haunting endeavor.
Since there was only one room, I decided to cut a hole in the hallway wall, a few feet beyond the viewing window for the solitary room. From this hole, a ghoul (one of us) could appear, scaring the kids. However, the hole was only large enough to poke our masked faces through it.
Throughout Halloween night, several of us traded off working the “hole” segment in the haunt. My second time through the rotation is when I encountered my fifth character in this quirky home haunt cast.
Armed with a pillowcase for a trick-or-treat bag, this kid was hell bent on making me pay for playing Halloween peek-a-boo! Apparently, he was still reeling from the surprise scare he received walking by the solitary room. As he quickly backed away from the viewing window, I let him have it with a loud growl, simultaneously ramming my masked face through the hole.
Spinning around, he swung his pillowcase, clocking me in the jaw with what candy was in his bag, and then he proceeded to punch the candy repeatedly against the side of my head! Thankfully, he was only about thirteen, so there wasn’t a lot of force generated by his fists of fury. But I’ll tell you what, that was one time when the shoe was on the other foot – I was the one doing the swearing, but I won’t repeat what was said. 
I know this was a fairly lengthy post, but I hope you got a kick out of it. As I reminisce over my home haunt and Halloween experiences, I’ll do my best to share more stories with you in the future — some funny, some not, but still a lot of Halloween goodness.
About the haunt images in this entry: All the way up top is my graveyard room at the end of Halloween night ‘98. The camouflage, burlap and leaves are scattered everywhere.
The second photo is a shot from either ’97 or ’98. It’s looking west, away from the front door and porch. If you turned right, you’d be going towards the driveway segment of the hallway haunt, which is where the trick-or-treaters entered and exited.
The third pic is of my cousin, hard at work on some fiendish project in the first room of the haunt! He’s actually donning the same mask I was wearing in my Quirky Home Haunt Experiences: Part 1 photo.
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February 5th, 2010 at 12:53 am
Oh my gosh! I had to gather my breath. I curled up in my darkened spare bedroom since I usually don’t go to bed until later, so I turned on a bigfoot documentary, sitting in the dark, catching up on the blogs and I find my favorite blog has a new entry! That was so funny, I couldn’t stop laughing. Oh my gosh–the sucker toucher! I have a new nickname for you. I can’t believe that you still do these amazing haunts for the little foul-mouthed boogers. You must be a big kid yourself! That’s fantastic. I don’t ever want to grow up. I’m like a little crazy elf running around messing with people. Must be part of loving horror and Halloween. I wish we had more kids around here. The neighborhood has grown up and most are teens. A real bummer. That’s why having a Halloween party was such a blast last year. More than anything, I want to go somewhere dressed up. I love to be someone else for the evening. There’s nothing better than getting into character. Well, at least you learned what it’s like for us long-haired girls when we eat sweets.
February 5th, 2010 at 4:21 am
Great Stories John.. I wish I had some to share but my most interesting ones are not that interesting. mostly just people wondering what kind of drugs i take to put 25 pumpkins in front of the house. Someday, I’m gonna have to travel to your place on Halloween and check it out.
February 5th, 2010 at 12:34 pm
autumnforest,
Very nice. I like the image of a Bigfoot documentary flickering in the background while you read about my crazy experiences. You’re not the first person to question why I host the haunt after being hit, cussed out, etc. I’m either an utter Halloween freak or a glutton for punishment — I like to think it’s the former.
In all honesty, most of the kids are well behaved, respectful and appreciative, but once in awhile some act up.
When a lot of this was happening, I was a little ticked off, but over the years I’ve reached a place where I can laugh about it. Plus, I sort of have to thank these kids, ’cause they’ve given me some great material to write about!
I think it’s so awesome and important to maintain your child-like qualities and passion about life, throughout life. That’s how dreams come true!
You can say that again about learning a lesson when it comes to having long hair. After that experience, I developed a new respect for women (and men) with long hair! Thanks for your great message and feedback.
Signed,
Sucker Toucher
Matt,
Thanks! We’ve always packed in the trick-or-treaters. There’s something about the neighborhood — it seems to be a point of convergence for several small communities around the area. The more visitors we ended up with, the more eventful our Halloween nights became.
25 pumpkins? That’s awesome! You’re more than welcome to swing by on Halloween night if you’re ever in New Mexico. A few people who visit SeasonOfShadows.com live in the state and are curious about seeing the haunt. I tell them to come by, too. It’s pretty hectic on Halloween, so I’m not sure if they ever show up or not.
February 5th, 2010 at 2:22 pm
Dear Nasty Bastard,
LoL, this was great!!! LoL, so here I was feeding the baby as I hold him in my left arm while managing my Itouch in my right hand to check your blog for the day only to get to the sucker toucher story and realized I MUST pull out my laptop so I can respond back in full
John, I have to say I have absolutely thoroughly enjoyed these last two blog entries of sharing your Halloween experiences with the trick-or-treaters. Plus, you know me, the longer your blogs/writings, the happier you make me and my day is complete. I miss your writing so much so entries like this one are heaven sent sweetie…..THANK YOU!!!
So I guess I should address you as “nasty bastard” hey
LoL! I laughed so hard I startled little B from sucking his bottle! I know you already mentioned this but what is with the mouth on those kids around there??? Geez! I knew Halloween night is a great time to be someone your not in daily life, via a character, but it seems to let loose a new found freedom to curse like a sailor. Of course, look who’s talking 
For some reason it’s funnier to hear curse words coming from children, I’m sorry but it’s true. You just don’t expect it so when it happens shock and laughter go side by side. Nasty bastard is a good one though. I know first hand what those sticky fingers are like and it’s no fun to get caught up in them but in your case, you couldn’t leave your post so you had to endure those gummy fingerprints through out the haunt. What fun that must have been 
The pillowcase boxer….wow! The abuse you endure for the love and passion of Halloween is amazing. You should receive an award for patience my dear friend. After being so brutally abused and socked in the head by a very heavy bag of candy, you still continued to expose yourself to such happenings. Incredible. Actually I don’t blame you because Halloween is just to great and special of a holiday to NOT continue to participate in the manner which you and your family would do.
Ok now the candy in the hair/wig……oh my gosh what a gross story and even worse actually having to live that out. My heart really poured out for you being stuck in such a tricky situation. Here you are highly disoriented from the strobe lights and lack of REAL food in your stomach, every so quick to just slam down a tiny little Snickers not knowing at all just how wrapped up in wig hair it was. I almost gagged when I read that story when you had to either swallow it down fast and make your lower intestines deal with it OR pull it back up your throat, which of course was the winner deal. LoL, I couldn’t imagine this big chocolate lump coming back up your throat without any processing from the stomach to make the content smaller in size. LoL, then again, that was a gag statement I just made as well
Lastly John, these were fantastic stories and I am beyond pleased that you typed them out to share them with us all. I think all of your viewers/fans would agree with me that Season of Shadows is a very special and rare website out there among the millions of other Halloween websites online!!! SOS continues to become even more dynamic with each and every single entry as does your mind blowing creative streak you have naturally. I truly adore how you mind thinks and the passion you have to follow what you love and make it as comfortable for your fans when they do visit your website. SOS reminds me the feelings I get when I come home from work…….that “Ahhhhhhh” feeling. I am forever grateful that you created this website and are filling it full with all sorts of fantastic material. Keep up the great work John cause frankly I don’t ever want to go through a SOS withdraw
Many Blessings dear one.
February 5th, 2010 at 7:18 pm
Well, nasty bastard does sound better than “Old Dirty Bastard!” So, I’ll take that one. Do you remember ODB? Honestly, I don’t know what’s up with the language used by some of our trick-or-treaters. Admittedly, I do get a laugh from a lot of that smack they come up with, but I could have done without getting punched in the face. However, it’s like I mentioned in my response to autumnforest, looking back on the experiences of those past Halloweens, I wouldn’t trade them for anything. This past Halloween night (‘09), was so amazing because we had a family re-introduce their son (now an adult) who used to come to the house back in the mid ’90s as a little one!
I was hoping I didn’t gross anyone out too much with the Snickers bar/wig appetizer! That was nasty, but all part of my quirky experiences. Thankfully, I didn’t choke on it and was able to get it back up. Those strobe lights can be brutal. Honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever do anything where I have to stare into a strobe again. I did it in ‘97 (in the asylum room), ‘98 (in the graveyard room) and ‘05 (as a monster on the roof). Each time, my vision and balance were messed up for hours after the haunt.
There are definitely a lot of sacrifices that go into hosting a home haunt, whether in the form we used to create or the current cemetery yard display. But I can honestly say that there’s never been a time when the phrase, “It’s All Good” could be used in a more appropriate way because it truly is all good. Halloween is what I live for (next to family and friends) and every last bit of sacrifice and energy poured forth is totally worth it.
Again, I have to thank you, my friend, for such a highly detailed response to my entry. I so appreciate your feedback. I’m definitely planning on writing lengthier posts from time to time. While I enjoy scouring You Tube and other online locations to bring lots of Halloween and paranormal vids to Season of Shadows visitors, I also enjoy adding my own original written content as well. And, I had a blast remembering all of these funny encounters! Thanks again.
Sincerely,
Sucker Toucher, aka Nasty Bastard
February 6th, 2010 at 1:31 pm
ha! that was really enjoyable–well, to read anyway, not for you at the time it was all occurring!..thanks for a good laugh!
February 7th, 2010 at 1:39 pm
Thanks, Pam, for your response. I’m really glad you enjoyed this entry. When all of that was happening, it was a combination of emotions: joy and exhilaration, but also a little ticked off, too… LOL! Now, looking back on it, I can laugh at all of those things the kids were saying and doing.