But before I start talking a bit more in depth about all that stuff, I want to apologize for taking so long between blog posts. Because of the 31 flavors, it’s very difficult to even use the computer without getting sick. Gazing at the monitor tends to accentuate my nausea and it can create strong vertigo-like issues. It’s for these reasons I also don’t check e-mail anymore and I turned off comments for this entry, as I know I won’t be able to respond to everyone like I used to. In fact, this post has taken me four days to write, because of my difficulties.

Now, even though we’re already into the New Year, I hope you had a great Halloween and a wonderful holiday season.

Speaking of the holidays, since my local doctors were at a loss for understanding why my gastroparesis (paralysis of the stomach that prevents it from emptying properly) is giving me so much hell, I spent several days after Christmas at the Mayo Clinic. After being put through every imaging scan and invasive test possible, Mayo confirmed my stomach is shutting down and my small intestine is also including itself in the digestion debacle.

According to their scans, the stomach is 49% shut down and the small gut is 91% shut down. While performing an endoscopy on me (camera down the throat) they found oatmeal still sitting in my stomach (eaten seven hours prior to the endoscopy). Oatmeal was all I had for breakfast and the amount was no more than what would fit in the palm of your hand.

So, they diagnosed me with severe gastroparesis combined with a “global motility disease.” Gastroparesis is pretty rare in itself, but when you include the small intestine in the scenario you move into a whole other category of rare illnesses. Damn, when you consider the astronomical odds why couldn’t I have won the lottery instead? LOL.

Leading up to the Mayo Clinic visit my weight was still dropping despite (the extremely painful process of) trying to eat (and digest) around 2,000 calories per day. By the time I stepped on the scales at Mayo I was down to 134 pounds, and I’m now in the 120s at a height of just over 6 feet; bringing the grand total of weight lost to almost eighty-pounds since March 2011. Now my Halloween props officially have more meat on their bones than me.

Since I’m not able to consume enough calories to stop the weight loss there are only three options available: a pacemaker attached to the stomach, a feeding tube inserted in my small intestine or being fed through a vein (called TPN).

My Mayo Clinic doctor keeps in touch with the nation’s leading expert on gastroparesis and motility diseases and neither one of them feel a pacemaker is worthwhile, because it primarily helps with nausea (one of the 31 flavors), but it does little to actually empty the stomach. Also, since the small intestine’s involved, the pacemaker won’t help the gut out, so I’d still be left with major motility problems beyond the stomach. That doesn’t sound like a winner to me.

The next option of the feeding tube is usually doable for someone who only has issues with the stomach, since the tube is surgically inserted in the small intestine. However, with my small intestine being majorly impaired a feeding tube will do little to no good. So there’s no point in going through that surgery and painful process either.

And that brings me to the last medical option of intravenous feeding or TPN. While IV feedings might help a bit, it’s doubtful they can provide enough calories to help me gain weight; especially considering I was taking in 4,000 calories per day four months prior to the shut down of my stomach and intestines and my weight still wasn’t budging. Something appears to be seriously wrong with not only my GI motility but also the body’s absorption of nutrients through the small intestine.

TPN is also notorious for causing major infections and at my already very low body weight I’d be a candidate for one infection after another. At best, intravenous feedings would only prolong the inevitable while continuing to impact my health, causing me to be around even more doctors and hospitals. And at this point I’ve had my fill of both, not to mention the daily suffering that goes along with this disease.

So, after a lot of soul searching, heartfelt discussions with family and friends, and research, I’ve decided to explore a fourth option: to cut my food intake down to a very small amount (thus alleviating the most severe attack symptoms) and let nature take its course.

As you may know, I have a strong belief in the survival of consciousness after death, and I also believe in the concept of natural selection. Nature’s given me the signal — it’s my time, and intuitively and instinctually I’m feeling nature’s correct. I’m not at all scared to explore this fourth (and what I feel is the best) option. In fact, I welcome it, as I’ve been at my wits end the last year trying to deal with this incredibly cruel illness.

Initially, it was my intention to fight this thing for all I could, and I feel I’ve done that — trying many different ways to overcome it. However, through my efforts, medication, and lots of medical consultations/tests, I found this is a battle that can’t be won or fixed – it can only be given band-aids. And band-aids are crummy “solutions” when you have a gaping flesh wound desperately in need of stitches. Not only that, but the more you fight to eat and drink, the more you suffer because food (and the inability to move it through the digestive tract) is what causes the major attacks.

This illness has not only taken away my ability to eat and drink what I want (The inability to drink my fill of fluids has killed me the most as I LOVE water.), but it’s also marginalized me in terms of being capable of pursuing my passions and purpose in life. I used to be someone who possessed an extremely strong work ethic putting blood, sweat and tears into all my activities. I was an avid bodybuilder/exercise fanatic, and someone who wanted to change the world (or at least my little corner in it) through being of service to others.

Now I’m reduced to spending my days and nights in a reclining chair due to ongoing abdominal pain, dizziness, nausea, blackouts, fatigue, etc. and little means for replenishing fluids or calories burned without suffering from attacks. Basically, my quality of life has diminished so severely that I’m completely ineffective. It’s for all these reasons (and so many more, too many to list in this post) that I’ve happily accepted and peacefully relaxed into the fourth option as being best for me.

I feel I’ve lived a good life and I’m now ready to see what adventures lie beyond the veil. Hopefully there’s a nice flowing stream waiting on the other side with my name on it where I can drink my fill, rest up and get back to work.

As for Season of Shadows, it’s going to remain online. My family will be tending to the care of the site. There won’t ever be any new updates or blog posts, but everything will stay as is for the next several years.

In closing this entry I would like to mention once again the wonderful work being done through Unicef’s Tap Project. Due to my love affair with water, my ongoing struggle this last year to drink H2O, and learning how badly so many people are suffering from a lack of clean drinking water; I’ve become a strong supporter of the Tap Project. They are providing clean sustainable drinking water to people in areas where it’s normally unattainable. If you have the ability, please consider helping this extremely worthy cause and please ask your friends, family, coworkers and even strangers to do the same. For more info you can visit the H2O section here at SOS and TapProject.org.

I want to thank all of you for your ongoing support of Season of Shadows and for your wonderful friendship the last five years. But I’d especially like to thank Goldie, Camile and Kieran, Autumnforest, Atrueoriginal, Julie, Barry Huddleston, ssflipo13, Damian, SKAustin, Ethan Black, The Frog Queen, Pam Morris, Paul Melniczek, Stephanie D., Donna, Doug, Matt, Adsila, Andrea, and Annamarie Dodge. You guys have been tremendous friends and I feel blessed to have known you! I hope your days are filled with joy and your Halloween nights with spookiness.

I won’t say goodbye, but instead I’ll leave you with the last three lines from Max Ehrmann’s poem, Desiderata, as well as my favorite clip from the film, Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium:

“… Be Gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

“And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

“Strive to be happy.”

Source: YT user, StevewithUnited

Through the use of medication, I’m now able to eat around 2,000 calories per day, and I can drink about 4 cups of water. For many people this would be enough to live a fairly normal life, but these numbers fall short of the mark for me due to the fact I’ve always had a super-fast metabolism.

Because of my high metabolism, I’m still losing weight, although at a much slower pace now thankfully. Also, the prolonged calorie deficit and minimal water intake has caused me to have very low energy, moments where I feel extremely faint, and it causes an occasional near black out-like experience where my eyes appear to be covered by a window screen pattern. I’m only capable of doing small tasks before becoming extremely fatigued, so the majority of my energy now goes to doing very light house work and taking care of my pets. And then, there’s still the symptoms of the gastroparesis itself to deal with, like nausea and the stomach problems.

I’ve definitely learned the meaning of taking life one day at a time now and often it’s about taking it one moment at a time, since I never know how I’m going to feel one minute to the next. It’s because of living moment to moment that I can no longer do things with any consistency or dependability and making future plans to accomplish something is pretty much out the window now, too.

Despite all of these challenges, I’m doing okay mentally and still fighting to live my life the best I can. But because of these challenges I regret I’m going to have to retire the Halloween Webcam and it seems I may even be retiring my haunt for good unless I happen to feel amazing on Halloween day.

My prop work is also on the fence right now, but I hope to still do some creative mache work when I feel up to it. As for the blog, I absolutely plan to continue blogging. Running the blog is one of the ways I can stay connected to all of you guys who I love so much and it’s a way for me to stay connected to Halloween, even though I may no longer be a “player” in the haunting of the holiday itself.

I continue hoping and praying things will change for me and I stay optimistic that my health will get better, but despite my issues I’ve also found a way to be okay with living my life the way it is now. I’ve learned a lot about myself, and about what truly matters in life because of these challenges.

I also happen to know Annamarie Dodge is sporting the scarecrow bannner at her cool blog now, too. Thank you, Annamarie.

So, with the season growing ever closer, I thought I’d post the rest of the banners and buttons in this entry in case anyone might be interested in displaying an SoS link and image on their site or blog. If you do display a banner or button, don’t forget to e-mail me and let me know if you prefer to be paid in small or large bills.

The two bottom banners were kindly created for me by SK Austin of The Haunting Grounds. Thanks again, SK!

And these are the buttons that can fit nicely into blog sidebars:

On another note — I’d like to congratulate a visitor who wishes to remain anonymous, other than the fact she resides in Pensacola, Florida, for winning the SoS 12-pack Water Bottle and Mio Giveaway. I’d also like to congratulate Chris Davis, aka “The Frog Queen” of Milwaukie, Oregon. Chris won the SoS 6-pack Water Bottle and Mio Giveaway.

And, on one more note — sorry about no webcamming tonight. Since my makeshift shop is now outdoors, we were rained out. The cam should be back in swing tomorrow night, though.

For now, I’ve moved “the shop” outside where it’s much cooler and the air is fresher, so the view will look a little different than past broadcasts. I’m going to play the outdoor shop thing by ear and see how it goes. Hopefully the bugs won’t be too bad around my lights.

On the health front: while I’m EXTREMELY thankful to be getting 2,400 hundred calories each day now (this is a huge accomplishment!), I usually have to consume my meals in a very slow manner. The slow eating allows for easier assimilation and seems to agree better with my stomach. Since it can take me anywhere from ninety minutes to two hours to finish a single meal, odds are that some feedings (it sounds like I’m a baby, or a zoo animal ) will coincide with webcam time.

Just wanted to give a heads up on my new dietary practices cause you may notice me frequently leaving the camera in order to grab a small bite of food over and over again. As for the prop, I’m still working on Little Grim, and with his small dimensions the cam is going to be zoomed in tight on his torso for the majority of my broadcasts.

As always, I promise to have a lot of Halloween music playing in the background — some Nox Arcana, raison d’etre, Midnight Syndicate, and my old favorite — Sirius-XM’s 2009 Hallowen Radio broadcast.

The first live webcam feed will start next Monday night, August 15th, at 7:30 PM (Mountain Time) and will run until 9 or 9:30 PM. I look forward to starting the camera again and hope to chat with you guys a little in the chatbox while the feed is running.

The change I’m most excited about is the addition of a mini-version of one of my favorite online games: “A Murder of Scarecrows.” Lately Google’s been doing all sorts of “gadget-based” technology to be used with iGoogle, portable devices, desktops and websites. Many of the gadgets they allow embedded on sites are video games, and thankfully A Murder of Crows has been developed into an app-like version of its original incarnation.

It’s now available to play in all its crow-shooing-creepiness without having to leave SoS: Season of Shadows – A Murder of Scarecrows – Google Gadget Edition. I’m not sure how the gadget developer and the original creator of A Murder of Scarecrows collaborated, but I noticed credit was absent in the embedded player. So, I’d like to mention the extremely talented Vincent Marcone. I’m not only a fan of his A Murder of Scarecrows, but also of Vincent’s many other projects, including his work with the band Johnny Hollow.

Currently, the only direct link I have to the game is in this entry and in the home page’s site content section. But I’ll eventually get links up throughout the site so it will be easily accessible.

If you’d like to know more about Google Gadgets, take a look around their gadget page — they have a ton of stuff in the directory.

On another note, I’d like to congratulate Jennifer of Bowling Green, KY. She was the second winner in the Halloween in America Giveaway. Congratulations, Jennifer! Thanks again to everyone who participated. Just a reminder: the Season of Shadows Bottled Water Giveaway closes tomorrow.

Unfortunately, even in the small experiment I set up, customizing, packaging and shipping the bottles ran into much more money than I anticipated. By the time I factored in all the supplies and shipping costs, the water just wasn’t going to be reasonably priced for visitors/customers — we’re talking some hefty prices for bottled water here!

But, if there’s three things you’ve probably learned about me by now: 1) I get really jazzed about certain projects. 2) I love coming up with creative and sometimes crazy ideas — to the point I should shut up about them until I figure out if they’re even gonna pan out. (Note to self: I probably should work on fixing that issue in therapy. ) And, 3) I never, ever, ever give up, no matter what! So, even though selling SoS Drinking Water isn’t going to work for right now, I’ve decided to host multiple Season of Shadows Water Bottle Giveaways over the next several weeks — at least until Halloween and maybe even beyond.

I’m hoping the giveaways themselves will continue to raise some additional awareness about the Tap Project. And each time I post a new water giveaway, I pledge to make a $5 donation myself to UNICEF’s Tap Project.

I even added a new H2O page to the site to help keep the awareness alive and hopefully generate actual action based support of the amazing Tap Project.

Speaking of the giveaways, if you haven’t entered the 12-pack of SoS Water and the Mio Strawberry/Watermelon Water Enhancer yet, it closes in six days. I’ll be launching a new 6-pack Giveaway in the next few days… gotta keep you guys hydrated during your Halloween preparations.

While I’ve been running Google ads for quite a while now, it’s my hope to one day remove the Google ads and only feature a few small advertisements from private companies offering quality Halloween merchandise. I want everyone to be able to benefit in the process: my visitors (by being able to purchase spooky items from reputable companies), the advertisers and SoS.

Until that day comes, however, I’m still keeping with the Google ad blocks as well. And while I unfortunately can’t control everything Google shows in their advertisements, I do have full say on the private ads I accept. In fact, I recently turned down an offer from a company selling Halloween masks because their business didn’t feel like it would be beneficial to SoS visitors for a couple of reasons. I’m not here to turn a quick buck; I care about the experience of everyone who visits this site and that includes any purchases they might make through Halloween-based companies I’m working with.

With that being said, I haven’t made a purchase through Invitation Box, but they do have some great looking Halloween invitations — from spooky, to cheery to classically gothic. And based on my interactions with their representative, they’re absolutely a class act to do business with. So, if you do pick up some Halloween invitations, I’m sure you’ll be very pleased.

As of right now, I’m totally wanting to get the feed going, but (man, I really dislike having to use the word “but”) things have still been funky where my health’s concerned. I don’t want to turn this into a downer of a post or some kind of pity party for me, rather I just thought I’d let you guys know a bit of info that’s going to impact my shop activities i.e., the webcam feed.

The doctor found out the gallbladder wasn’t the only thing causing my digestive issues. They’ve now diagnosed me with “gastroparesis”, which is a fancy way of saying my stomach doesn’t digest food properly.

They determined this by actually scanning how long a meal sits in my stomach. The scan showed it stays in there twice as long as the average stomach, and this in turn can bring on a slew of crazy symptoms, from bloating to intense pressure, to nausea and a ton of weight loss (from not wanting to eat). They do have meds for it, but the first one I took knocked me out, making me very lethargic and it seemed to do little to help with digestion, so I trashed that sucker.

I’m now using some natural supplements (with good results), along with a few other tools like staying super positive and keeping a good attitude, knowing I’ll eventually beat this thing no matter what. Afterall, I’m pretty stubborn and enjoy a good challenge — look at how much patience and persistence I have when it comes to my mache technique. Also, the amazing support from family and friends helps keep me going as well! On the bright side, my food bill has been very inexpensive lately.

Anyway, I want you guys to know I’m hanging in there and I’m doing my best to deal with this, but it is going to impact my prop building and webcamming since I can run hot and cold with it — some days I feel good and others I feel poorly. I’m going to give it a few more weeks and then try starting the cam around the first week of July. I can’t guarantee a consistent schedule, but I’m hoping to have it running at least a couple of days/nights per week.

If you’re interested in my prop building activities, and seeing me sweat like crazy in the shop, keep checking back as I promise to post an entry as soon as the feed begins.

Starting in July, I’ll also keep you guys updated throughout the summer via the Home page’s chat box as to whether there will be a feed that day or night. Thanks again for your interest.

Five days later I’m gallbladder and gallstone free, but not entirely symptom free. However, there has been a drastic improvement in my condition (Thank goodness!). At least I can actually eat more than the four hundred calories per day I was limited to for several weeks. Now I’m just in rehab and recuperate mode, that goes for healing but also for adjusting my diet and getting used to what the body will accept since I’m no longer carrying that “pouch of marbles” under my liver.

You guys have all been so tremendous about showing support during this funky time for me health wise. I just wanted to let you know what was going on and thank each of you from the bottom of my heart.

If my poor impression of Andy Rooney in the above paragraph didn’t give it away, I’ve been having a pretty rough 2011 so far health-wise. Thankfully nothing has been life-threatening. However, I have experienced a few things that scared the crap out of me even more than my recurring nightmare where it’s Halloween night; the trick-or-treaters are arriving; we have no candy to give out; and none of my props are finished.

Anyway, my health issues have required the majority of my attention lately. So, I’d like to apologize to everyone who’s been so great about supporting SoS and checking in for updates on a regular basis, but finding none.

And while I did mention I’d be backing off from blogging a bit in my past posts, I never meant to back off this much. Just wanted to let you guys know I’m still alive and kicking and my passion for Halloween and working on Season of Shadows is just as strong as ever, but I’m still mending and trying to get back “above the weather” again.

I hope to be back in action soon, though. In fact, I’ve been working a little on a new project for the site regarding voice-over work. I hope to have more info on that in the coming days.