In case you missed the first two You Know You’re Obsessed With Halloween posts, the following are some warning signs that you may have it bad for October 31st. As always, only a few of these apply to me – I swear.
You know you’re obsessed with Halloween…
…When you take complicated, advanced anatomy courses strictly for the purpose of enhancing your corpse building skills.
When you’re looking forward to old age because genuine wrinkles and missing teeth will make your Halloween costumes look even more authentic.
When the setup of your haunted house is so elaborate, passersby mistakenly assume you’re being tented for pest control purposes.
When you ask the doctor for permission to take your x-ray home because the image makes you giddy with Halloween spirit.
When, despite the fact it’s been missing in action for almost two years, you continue to check your mailbox, hoping and praying the Fright Catalog’s finally arrived.
When you own stock in any of the following: Elmer’s Glue, duct tape, paper towels, Styrofoam, super glue, or super glue remover.
When you believe Spirit Halloween Superstores are a great place to pickup women or men.
When candy corn becomes appetizing.
When pumpkin-shaped Marshmallow Peeps become appetizing.
When your Christmas cards feature zombies.
When, in moments of tenderness with your partner, you feel the urge to inappropriately scream any of these sexually suggestive monster movie titles: It Came From Outer Space, The Giant Behemoth, Attack of the Crab Monsters, Creature From the Black Lagoon, Dr. Cyclops, War of the Gargantuas.
When you’ve finished screaming those sexually suggestive monster movie titles, your partner doesn’t kick your butt to the curb. (That’s when you know you’ve found your soul mate and you’re both officially obsessed with Halloween.)
When Goth friends quit hanging with you ‘cause you’re just too “dark” for their taste, and it’s harshing their melancholic mood.
When you’ve determined exactly what you want for your funeral services based on years of practicing in your haunt.
When you’re on a friendly first name basis with local Halloween store employees, so much so they even remember you the following year.
When, at summer’s end, you were always elated to go back to school, only because it meant Halloween was right around the corner.
When you’ve made your health a priority by deciding it’s finally time to consume three, nutritious square meals per day: Breakfast = Franken Berry, Lunch = Count Chocula, Dinner = Boo Berry.
When you get mega pissed at Sirius-XM radio for only airing their Halloween channel seven days instead of running it the entire month of October.
When, shortly after Halloween, you aimlessly wander through Spencer’s Gifts in a dejected state, gently touching shelves and reminiscing about the good ole days when masks and costumes were still on display.
When you’ve planted a Halloween garden; in the process, learning A LOT MORE than you bargained for about the love life of gourds, and the bugs who sex one another up while inhabiting the pumpkin patch.
When you actually find yourself wanting to read another installment of “You Know You’re Obsessed With Halloween,” created by my twisted mind.
Hope you enjoyed my list, and remember, if more than three of these apply (or if only one applies, but that one happens to be ‘screaming sexually suggestive monster movie titles’), you may need to see a qualified haunt specialist right away to discuss your Halloween obsession; or you could just stay right here at Season of Shadows and we’ll work it out together.
Also, one more thing before I run: I had a little fun with Fright Catalog in this installment, but the good news is I heard their publication has been resurrected and will once again be lurking in your mailbox this fall. Just follow the above link to Fright Catalog’s site for details on receiving catalog notifications.