Welcome to the fourth installment in my ongoing series designed to help you determine if the Halloween bug’s bitten you a bit too hard. Think of these posts like Cosmo quizzes, only for Halloween lovers, and with fewer references to genitalia.
You know you’re obsessed with Halloween…
…When you’ve actually considered pumping low lying fog throughout your home 365 days per year.
When Rue Morgue and Fangoria magazines start outnumbering Playboy in your “my wife will never find these in the corner of the garage, stuffed behind my toolbox and windshield washer fluid” stash.
When Rue Morge and Fangoria magazines start outnumbering Playgirl in your “my husband will never find these in the bottom drawer of my nightstand, underneath the Crabtree and Evelyn catalogs” stash.
When you’ve found yourself in a heated debate over who’s sexier — Lily Munster or Morticia Addams.
When you’re determined to move to Barrow, Alaska for the winter months just so you can live in perpetual darkness.
When you’re so desperate for a spooky retail fix, you’re willing to visit Party City’s year-round Halloween aisle during summer; even though it’s a shell of its former autumnal self, and is overstocked with five hundred pirate wench costumes no one wanted in October.
When you’ve written at least seventy-five e-mails to Oprah requesting she add Ghoul Friday’s Brains vs. Coffee to her book club list.
When you blanket car windows with flyers announcing your Halloween website at Target store parking lots — in April. (Just a friendly tip: Don’t do this. There’s a guy from Target’s corporate office who’s still sending e-mail rants about my flyer distributing activities.)
When you’ve recorded a huge chunk of Sirius XM’s Halloween programming on your satellite radio receiver and then guard it with your life, not allowing anyone near the device for fear they’ll erase the precious [said in my best Gollum voice].
When you happily encourage neighborhood dogs to bury their soup bones in your front yard, hoping it will add a sense of realism to your graveyard display.
When you’ve found yourself in an even more heated debate over who’s sexier – Spot or Cousin Itt.
When you attend formal social events wearing SkulBone t-shirts.
When you’ve been turned down on more than one occasion by hairdressers concerning your request for the Bride of Frankenstein coif. (If this one applies to you, and you’re a guy, immediately skip the rest of this quiz. You’re officially super obsessed with Halloween — not to mention being quite secure — and, I tip my hat to you!)
When breakfast outings with your family depend on one condition being met: You’ll only go to restaurants serving Count Chocula.
When dinner outings with your family depend on one condition being met: You’ll only go to restaurants offering Haunted Hot Sauce condiments.
When you’ve found yourself in the most heated debate of all over who’s sexiest – Grandpa Munster or Fester Addams.
When your kids finished looking around Spirit Halloween two hours ago and you’ve just barely reached the zombie baby display.
When you start talking to non-haunters about Terror Syndicate, they mistakenly think you’re referring to some new group of guerrilla-type extremists.
When you hate not having doors with creaky hinges in your house.
When you start contemplating sleeping in a toe pincher coffin.
When your smart phone and mp3 players are loaded with endless audio tracks consisting of crunching leaves, whistling wind, cackling witches and ghostly moans.
When you devote an entire greenhouse to growing only pumpkins, solely to be used for jack-o-lantern carving practice throughout the year.
When five-year-old children exhibit more discipline and patience waiting for October 31st to arrive than you.
When you realize you spent more money on glow sticks and stretchy cobwebs last October than you did on filling your car with gasoline last month.
When cleaning up your haunt on November 1st proves to be an emotional experience, thanks to finding that lost piece of trick-or-treater’s candy sitting all alone on the front step.
As always, if more than three of these apply, you may want to seek help from a qualified haunt specialist. Or, just stay right here at Season of Shadows and we’ll address your obsession together… probably by making it worse.
This fourth installment is dedicated to Pam Morris. Pam was kind enough to present SoS with a blogging award quite a while ago. So I told her I’d dedicate my next You Know You’re Obsessed With Halloween entry to her. If you haven’t done so, please check out her excellent blog.